First Person

Fucking grant cycles. Still waiting to hear if we made it to the second round of ITVS’ Open Call. Feeling more conflicted by the day. Of course, I really want the recognition of advancing, not to mention the continued possibility of all the money they could throw our way. But the longer the wait, the more time I have to think about where I really want First Person to go. The whole reason I wanted to do this film, what has guided my approach from the beginning, was the belief that the vast majority of “inner city public education” docs are fundamentally problematic in their approach: they focus on an external
intervention in people’s lives, rather than the people themselves. These films might garner critical acclaim or go over well with audiences who naturally relate to those doing the intervening. But they fail to speak to young people, and they fail to provide young people with a resource that is valuable and meaningful in trying to figure out their own lives. Rather than providing examples of how other young people perceive the conflicts they face and how they choose to deal
with them, these documentaries inevitably reinforce a narrative about good-hearted outsiders struggling against the fucked-up circumstances of the inner city to help kids “make it out” by overcoming the supposed deficiencies of their families and communities.

In general, I can make myself feel good about trying to make a film that runs counter to this typical cliched approach. But at the end of the day, I find myself craving the support and approval of the structures that historically support all the films that I am hoping to provide an alternative to. At the end of the day, I’ve checked my email 10,000 times hoping for word from ITVS. As a first-timer, getting broadcast and distribution feels like an incredibly huge hill to climb. Before I kill myself trying to navigate the road up, I wish I could get clearer in my convictions as to whether this is even the right hill to be climbing.

Sorry for failing to keep the Video Gallery and the blog updated. I’ve been totally wrapped up in preparing a handful of proposals. In the last month, we’ve submitted to ITVS, the Toronto Documentary Forum, and the Garrett Scott Grant Program of the FullFrame Festival. Preparing both the written materials and especially the sample reel for ITVS is a mutha.

If nothing else, we should get a rough idea for what First Person’s ceiling is. I had breakfast with Steve last week, and he’s still hoping to become an international celebrity off of this whole experience. His goal is to walk into Blockbuster and see a poster of himself. After three years of trying to tamp down such expectations, I’ve kind of given up. But its difficult, because I really have very little sense of what is a realistic set of outcomes for this film. As Sharon has been assembling scenes, its been unbelievable to see this thing I’ve held in my head and heart for years start to come to life. For better or worse, its beginning to shape up like the movie I wanted to make.

ITVS gets a couple thousand proposals and only funds about a dozen. Actually getting money from them is the longest of long shots…right up there with Steve’s Blockbuster fantasy. But the top 30% of projects make it on to the second round. Whether or not we make that cut will provide me with a much clearer direction of where we should eventually try to take First Person. In the meantime, its time to get back to the grind of maintaining the website, building the outreach efforts, and assembling the rough cut.

I don’t like to admit it, but I’m pretty much a hater by nature. I can always find a reason why something–anything–isnt good enough, doesnt go far enough, or doesn’t sit right with me and my, shall we say, particular sensibilities.

This is especially true for documentaries dealing in one way or another with “inner city life.” As soon as I see that establishing shot of the housing projects with the people screaming and the sirens blaring and the lost souls & stray cats wandering aimlessly around, I’ve already pretty much written off the next two hours of my life. Of course, I’ll sit through them, if for nothing else than to fuel my self-righteousness. As a certified hater, nothing provides me with motivation quite like having a nemesis, real or imagined, out there.

But sometimes, very occasionally, I’ll watch something that just feels right. That grabs my heart. That resonates with my understanding of how people actually operate in the world. That forces me to walk in the shoes of someone whose life is seemingly unlike my own–and then knocks me over the head with realizations about myself. That I genuinely enjoy.

Four years ago, when I was trying to determine if First Person was going to be a feasible project to undertake and trying to figure just what the hell I wanted to do, I saw Love and Diane and had the chance to participate in a seminar led by director Jennifer Dworkin. Its an unbelievable movie, very powerful in how it lets a set of very difficult external circumstances unfold entirely through the perspectives of the film’s subjects, and then builds on that by letting Diane and Love reveal their extremely rich internal lives through voiceover narration and incredible verite scenes. When I saw it then, I knew that in many ways, that was what I wanted to do, that was the kind of movie I wanted to try to make.

At the time, I was also very much inspired by Dworkin, who was a firsttime filmmaker who had clearly made the film not for the money (certainly), and not to win awards, and not to build her reputation as a filmmaker, but because her heart wouldnt let her do anything else. Just the fact of her doing what she did, how she did it, was motivation that I very much needed.

I watched Love and Diane again last night. I was a bit nervous that I wasnt going to like it as much after the four years I’ve gone through trying to pull First Person together, that it wouldnt still resonate with my sensibility. Turned out there was no need to worry. I was totally sucked in almost immediately. There’s just so much that feels immediately relevant to First Person–the scale of the film, the way people and places are established, the use of voiceover, the blending of disparate types of footage. I think that First Person will ultimately employ a very different visual style and pacing and will trace some very different emotional arcs, but anyone wanting to get a sense for how First Person is striving to communicate the lives and internal worlds of our six kids should check this movie out.

Just recently, I came across a message from Dworkin on a listserv and took the shot of emailing her. She’s been very kind and indulgent in responding thoughtfully to my many questions–everything from preparing scene selects for ITVS submission to knowing when to draw the line with how much of the director’s own intervention is appropriate for inclusion in the film. Its really difficult to express how valuable this type of information and advice is when you are getting it from someone whose sensibility you trust. Knowing someone is out there who has created a standard I want to live up to is a much stronger motivator than the self-righteousness that usually pushes me along. And it comes at good time.

Watched the last two video diaries from my kids today. On a day when I’ve been totally paralyzed with wondering how I’m going to raise another $50-75K; with needing to find a graphic designer, an AfterEffects whiz, and a clearance supervisor, all before Xmas; with the boatload of footage I need to log; and with a million other things, they were a total breath of fresh air. The tapes were from Shalisa and Malikka, both of whom really crack me up. I dont know how they do it…for three years, I couldnt get either of them to say 10 words in an interview. Leave them alone with a camera, though, and theyll talk for 45 minutes straight.

Especially with these last tapes, though, its not just what they say that really gets me, but the need they have to say it. Its really striking…watching two 18-year olds trying to cram every last anecdote, wish, and profound insight they can muster into a 60-minute tape…its like listening to someone’s last words, except you know you’ll see them next week. But watching these tapes and seeing how far we’ve come (believe me, when I first proposed the whole ‘video diary’ concept, it was a room full of blank stares and crickets chirping) is definitely the best treatment for overcoming the fear of how far we still have to go.

With production complete, postproduction well underway, and the hustle of trying to position First Person for market revving up, I figure its time for me to begin a blog of my own. If I’m going to have to sell my soul in order to get this movie finished and seen, I want there to at least be a record of the transaction.

To this point, Ive been able to more or less make First Person an extension of myself, of who I am as a person and what I believe is right and how I think things should be done. In part, that has meant actively resisting identifying myself as a filmmaker. Much of the time, this is no trouble at all. As my crew can surely attest, I know very little about filmmaking. But not thinking of myself as a filmmaker goes well beyond wanting to avoid the scorn of those who actually know something about making movies. It goes to the heart of what I have always wanted First Person to be: a direct path from the hearts and minds of our ‘subjects’ to the eyes and ears of our audience.

Of course, the first and most important step in trying to create this path has always been never–NEVER–thinking of the students and families I’ve worked with as my ‘subjects.’ Which kind of gets at the whole problem Ive had with working hard to NOT turn into a ‘filmmaker’ even as Ive been killing myself to make this film. Kurtis, Shalisa, Fresh, Steve, Macho and Malikka are all like little brothers and sisters to me. Their families are all like family to me. Just like family, we are in this together. And just like family, we have an obligation to each other, come hell or high water. I have always embraced this, despite the prevailing sentiment among the filmmaking crowd that such an approach threatens my objectivity, my capacity to tell a powerful story, the established forms of the genre, and who knows what else.

During production, I never really had to worry about this too much. It was always immediately evident that when it came to figuring out what from their lives will make its way on camera, my first responsibility was to the kids and their families. Over the course of three years, making production decisions that have placed th interests of the kids and their families first has become commonplace, if not always easy.

But now, with production done and 150+ hours of amazing footage to sort through and with the cutthroat world of independent film distribution and broadcast looming, its a whole new set of decisions to be made. I find myself flirting with the ‘filmmaker’ role a little more here and a little more there in order to pursue that funding, get that distributor aware of the project, and to cover up my own insecurities about all the the things I dont know about getting a movie in front of an audience. Hell, I even started wearing a blazer with jeans on occassion. Im a beat-up baseball cap and a pair of horn-rimmed glasses away from being a cliche already.

The thing is, the goal has always been to get First Person seen by a wide audience, where it can have a broad impact. And I’m willing to become something of a ‘filmmaker’ if thats whats necessary to realize the bigger goal. But at the end of the day, I’m still accountable first to my kids and their families. I know myself, and I know that even if First Person never goes anywhere, I’ll be able to sleep at night if I can take the finished product into Shalisa’s or Kurt’s or Steve’s home, show it to them and their families, and feel good and right about how it turned out. I might not be happy if it doesnt reach a larger audience, but I wont lose sleep over it. If, on the other hand, First Person blew up and did all the things that I believe it can, but it had turned into something I was ashamed to show the kids or their families, I would never be able to live with myself.

I remind myself all the time who I’m ultimately accountable to. I believe that this approach is going to result in the best possible movie that I can make, even if it means never gaining any credibility among the filmmaker set. I also believe that my commitment to staying true to this approach is going to be tested repeatedly during postproduction and during my efforts to get the movie out there. Ive been delaying blogging on my own until I felt like I had something worthwhile to say. Using this space to keep a check on myself over the next 8 months is about the most useful thing Ive come up with. If you’re reading this, and you see me out there in 2007 wearing jeans, a blazer, and a beat-up baseball cap and talking about how First Person has positioned me for my next project, please punch me in the face. Hard. Or at least post a comment on my Director’s blog, reminding me of my good intentions back in oh-six.