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Archive for July, 2008

Felt bad for my own damn self (continued)

Sunday, July 13th, 2008

After all the stuff that went down in my last post…

I still am tryin to do me but at the same time get my lady back , and the only thing i could think of is i have to show how that i can make on my own and support myself as well as her . Which was great motavation . At this point i beg to talk with her in person and wasnt taking no for a answer. I had so many questions and so much to say to this gerl . We stayed outside in her yard talkin till around 400 in the morning and by then i thought we were gonna be ok . That weekend we went out on a night on the town we Had the best time we ever had in the 2 and a half years we were together . We even cryed together while we held each other at penns landing until like 2 somthing in the morning but they were tears of happiness from me and her. We both felt the same way so i asked her back out , and then we were back together! 3 days later i think everything is ok and its the day of her birthday . I bought ballons flowers had money to take her out the whole nine….She comes out of nowhere and tells me she dont want shyt do with me, she never wants to see me again and to never call her.

I couldnt do nothing but look at her and just cry like a lil bitch and walk away with my head down. I never was expecting it . It felt like she built me up jus to whatch me Break down like she hurt me on so many diffrent levels it was jus crazy i felt like jus commiting suicide and foreal foreal the only reason i didnt is because , and this is REAL RAP , is because i knew if i were dead that someone else would eventually walk in her life and i couldnt let that happen not alive nor dead not even now.

Luckly i had muh boys who were steady smokin me up for free and wow was i grateful because i was on a non stop emotional rollercoaster and when i smoked i jus chilled and talked about other things other then her. believe me if ne one woulda saw the way i was …shyt i looked in the miror at work and felt bad for my own damn self! Lets put it that way.

So by now i am close to 2 months away from our break up. emotionaly is my head and hart still fucked up? yeah but now i can hide my feelins and work on me because it dont look to good for that sunkin ship yea get what im sayin.

right now i am THE CLEANEST , FULLIST , Homeless Person ull probly ever meet. I feel like i had to clear my head and start anew with everything….trust me I learned alot from our journey…I wont ever get hurt again. And now i am looking for a new job and a room afterwards . Ben said he can help me out but i feel like its not his respnsability not even as a best freaind , my role model , or My brother i never had. its mine. I made the coice’s that had the consequences that put me where i am now.

Well thanx for listning but i have one more thing to say:


Just straight up alone

Sunday, July 13th, 2008

If you are jus curious to what I have to say and just being knewsy stop reading this now….

Ok now if the people that Do care but sometimes cant handle the truth, you should stop reading now too…

Alot has changed in these past couple of months. About 3 months ago the love of my life randomly kicked me outta the house…It was real grimy the way it all went down…i come home and BAMM! im out on kensington ave wit a change of cloths a wash rag and muh toothbrush that she quickly gave me in a bag , without a dime or a pot to piss in… I slept on kensington ave for about a week even in the rain hoping that she would wanna talk and work things out but apparently it was more deeper then i thought like she never even came to check to see if i was ok. I litarrly Cryed every night I was out there feeling UNwanted , UNloved and jus straight up alone yo. I was So fucking hungry by the 3rd day i was picking up chip bags that kids threw away on the DL tip and eating what was left.By like the 6th day i wasnt so upset jus deppressed and jus baffled by the whole situation.

I was so caught up with my thoughts and worrys that my job at mcdonalds told me to jus stay in the back on the grill . I didnt have newere to go and no way to get back to work even if i did go newere so I saw a cemetary close by and jus rested my head and went to work for the next couple of days….

I ran into my best freind and he looked out wit a shower n shyt and we went out that night…That same night I meet my freinds weed connect and we ended up talking for awhile after we meet and i told him about my situation so He told me to take his number and to call him later on on the late night tip. I knew what it was hittin for but fuck i was thinking I needed the money but i also knew it wouldnt be a smart move… hey if you are in the position that i was in it can feel like its eat and survive ne means necessary….


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