First Person

Waiting for the baby now is too hard. Sometimes I’m wishing that it come on cause I’m sick of waiting around the house. I’m ready to go back out and work and go to school. Being pregnant has helped me realize who I can and cannot count on. It helped me realize that nobody is going to be there for me financially or take care of me like I am and now that I have a child I know I gotta work that much harder. And I’m glad that my being pregnant helped me realize this because the sooner I find out the better. Better than if I was really in need of something. Not saying no one helped me out cause people have, but I know who I can and cannot count on, and it’s not many people that I can count on so I’ll avoid having to lean on people by going out and getting me a job and going back to school. Besides I’m used to taking care of myself every since I had my job I been taking care of myself and that’s how I like it I don’t like to depend on people. So now I find myself rushing my baby so that I can hurry up and jump back into the world. But then on the other hand I don’t want to rush it because I’m thinking I’m not ready to face the pain, I’m also thinking of ALL the things that can go wrong. But at the end of the day I realize I can’t and shouldn’t rush it. He is going to come when he is ready not before and not after. And as far as me being scared or things being wrong I just put it all and gods hands and pray for the best.

P.S

With out letting me know to me my babyfather went out and got my babies name tattooed on his arm so i guess that definitely makes the name official. SHAMERE KILE TYRONE OUSLEY.

-MzSDot

Watched the last two video diaries from my kids today. On a day when I’ve been totally paralyzed with wondering how I’m going to raise another $50-75K; with needing to find a graphic designer, an AfterEffects whiz, and a clearance supervisor, all before Xmas; with the boatload of footage I need to log; and with a million other things, they were a total breath of fresh air. The tapes were from Shalisa and Malikka, both of whom really crack me up. I dont know how they do it…for three years, I couldnt get either of them to say 10 words in an interview. Leave them alone with a camera, though, and theyll talk for 45 minutes straight.

Especially with these last tapes, though, its not just what they say that really gets me, but the need they have to say it. Its really striking…watching two 18-year olds trying to cram every last anecdote, wish, and profound insight they can muster into a 60-minute tape…its like listening to someone’s last words, except you know you’ll see them next week. But watching these tapes and seeing how far we’ve come (believe me, when I first proposed the whole ‘video diary’ concept, it was a room full of blank stares and crickets chirping) is definitely the best treatment for overcoming the fear of how far we still have to go.

My last first person shoot was kinda sad. But it was an happy occasion so i wasn’t really sad but knowing that this was the last time i would be being filmed was kinda sad to me. I mean i’m not frauding i’m a hood chic so it’s not so much the cameras not being around that i’ma miss but knowing that this was my last shoot had me thinking. Did i say everything i needed to say? Will what i did say really help people in situations like mine or to prevent situations like mine? Was i really helpful because in all out reality thats what this was all about for me. being able to get out there and be able to be heard, to say something people in my situation will never be able to say and have people really listen. Anyway my last film took place at my new home, i was having a BabyShower. most of my family and friends came out to support me. I got alot of great gifts from everybody and the party turned out really nice. Like i said my last interview had me thinking about if i had done enough but i just chalked it all up as i gave it my everything.

I realize that one thing we all take forgranted at one time or another is our family, well not so much take them forgranted but, we don’t stop often enough to reflect on how much of any inspiration, strength, and even an influence on our lives. Every Year I learn throughout the course of the year new things about each of my family members. My Mom, who for a good seventeen years, just seemed to be a mom, she acted as a mom should, thought like a mom should and there was no more to it than that. I started to see my mother in a different light in these recent few months. Shes very wise, thinks very deeply and uses some of her idle time to reflect on certain subjects that are important to her and then posts them on a BLOG, well I started reading the BLOGS and It really opened my eyes. I started to see my mother as not just a mother but a like minded individual who has a passion for observation and self expression. I guess it showed me why I’m such a deep thinker and why I appreciate philosophy and poetry and mental stimulation. I get it all from my mother. My father whom I saw as just a stuborn, and bitter at times, individual who only thinks of himself. He doesn’t just think of himself, he just bottles his feelings up like I do and sees showing emotion as a sign of vulnerability and weakness, just as I do. My oldest sister Belinda, who has a passion for learning, and a drive for success, and also has a very strong personality which may come off as very stubborn some times. I learned or I guess you could say I tried to emulate that and it sort of just stuck with me. My second oldest sister Jacinda, she has such a passion for life and an infinite love for family, shes faced many hardships, some of which I can relate to, but like always has perserveerd, and pushed forward refusing to let a few misfortunes bring her down. I admire that most about her and I know that if she has the strength to do so with her head held high then I too can do so. My little Brother and Sister, Kimber and Nathaniel, who make the family proud despite their mis haps. They are stubborn and thick headed like their older kin but take something from everyone of us and puts their own twists on each trait to make it their own. They inspire me to set a good example for them, so that they may avoid hardships the rest of us have befalled in the past. And last but by no means the least, “Mi Abuelita” my grandmother, the matriarch of the family. She has never lost faith in anyone in the family and takes care of everyone in her own way, this is the reason faith still resides in me, because she hasn’t ever lost hers. I love her and my mother equally unconditionally and believe that they are my true angels here on earth. It is all of these people in my immediate family and my everyday life that I am thankful for. I could go on and on but eventually there would have to be an end, and this is mine. Anyone who I forgot knows very well what they give me and how much I love them and I am thankful for everyone who loves and supports me.
These are my blessings and Whom I give most thanks for year in and year out.

Hey whats up everyone, basically what ive been up to is still working for city year which I might add I love but having some trouble keeping up with my 8:30am wake up call… I get up and fall right back to sleep, as for home life well i basacally got kicked outa muh grandmoms and now I live with muh gerl ANDREA