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Archive for August, 2007

Free Will

Thursday, August 30th, 2007

“Take devalued ideas…or demeaning words and transform them into things that are useful.”

Not what I wanted to hear from my man Rob Breszny, astrologist to the stars. My personal translation of his Cancer horoscope this week: The rejection letter from ITVS is in the mail. Get ready.

This is a big deal right now. Today or tomorrow, we should hear about our proposal to ITVS LINCS. Submitted in conjunction with WHYY Philadelphia, this is seriously the strongest proposal I’ve ever developed. We had letters of support from WGBH-Boston, KETC-St Louis, KET-Kentucky, WQED-Pittsburgh, and a host of other stations. We had backing from almost a dozen national and local organizations. We have a killer advisory board made up of PBS all stars. Our treatment was tight and the work sample…well, it was the best we had at the time.

If we get the grant, it provides all the funding we need to finish and guarantees us some sort of national PBS broadcast. If we don’t, its probably another year of grinding.

As much as I don’t want to get thrown into a funk by being rejected, I know that the grind approach will at least guarantee that the film goes directly to its primary audience–Philly public high school students. The challenge with that route is just scraping together the dollars and the energy to take the show on the road myself.

But obviously, I want to get it. Being funded by ITVS, however, presents potentially a deeper challenge, to my integrity. ‘Cause once there’s another audience lined up, that’s when we’ll all see how serious I am about making sure that this remains a film for Philly kids and other young people in similar situations.

So the real prayer right now is that no matter what happens, hope that fate presents me with an opportunity to do what I know is right. I really believe that being funded by LINCS will put First Person on a whole new level in terms of our ability to not only reach people–including youth–with the film, but to build up our exciting new outreach effort.

And I really believe that not being funded will provide me an opportunity to see how much fight I really have left in me on this one.

What to do????

Wednesday, August 1st, 2007

I havent updated anyone on my status because I’ve been unsure as to what I should say….right now its 3:23 a.m . and ive just got up the nerve to express the things that have been weighing heavy on my heart…. I don’t know what to do…… for once yes malikka is stumped……

I guess I should start from the beginning of my story…….
spring semester was going okay and gearing towards the end after a long break. it was kinda hard bouncing back into the swing of things after practically a month long spring break but i was managing okay, I had organized a study schedule so i would be ready for my finals I had finished all the planning with the youth at my job at temple and they were preparing their final event …. and then the most unimaginable thing happened ……. on Tuesday May 8th the day of my final day at work and the week i would begin my finals …..the man I Called Abu …passed away
my world flipped….. I never made it to any of my finals, the last weeks of the semester …never happened…I just didn’t go back …….
I embraced those close to me as I helped handle final arrangements and prepared for a traditional muslim Janazza (a funeral that is preformed within three days of a persons passing). I had no time to think grieve or sleep. I spent hours and days wondering what was going to happen and worring if those i loved would be okay with the loss of Abu. I cooked I cleaned I prayed and cried the idea of school never crossed my mind. His funeral was beautiful simple and done with care and love planned and orchistrated by his eldest son from the preparation of his body to his placement in the ground. the three days seemed like weeks but the weeks that followed have felt like years. Once I got myself together I wondered what i should do about school so I e-mailed all my professors explaining what had happened. Most of them agreed to give me incompletes until i could make up the work. it seemed like everyday following the funeral was a week squished into a day. Everyday was filled with family discussions worries and endless trips downtown to handle buisness. In between it all I tried to find time to complete my assignments and when i found a free moment i e-mailed teachers and checked the status of my grades. with all I’s or incompletes my gpa sat at a 2.6.As the summer moved forward the I’s started to change. I got B’s in both english and math 118 I managed to finish my final paper from home and e-mail it to my english teacher, and in math 118 my grade was high enough that I could get a B without the final. So the last two classes were sociology and Anatomy and Psyiology. My sociology teacher never recieved my e-mail so that grade turned into an F. My anatomy teacher said I could make up the final but not the lab test I missed I was greatful because I knew she understood what was happening because early on in the semester she had confessed the loss of her father, However I never got a free moment to take the final so that too turned into an F. My Gpa slipped from a 2.6-2.0 to a 1.68 . I contacted my sociology teacher through an e-mail to let her know what happened and to make arrangements for my grade to be changed. she told me if i handed in our final project she could change the F into my right grade. I knew that if my Gpa didn’t return to a 2.0 i wouldn’t qualify for my financial aid and I wouldnt have insurance in the fall so i finished as much of it as I could and I sent it in… After 2weeks of checking my student records to see if the grade changed nothing happened so i e-mailed her again to see what the delay was. She told me that the dean of Liberal arts was on vacation and that my grade couldn’t be changed until he signed off on it…..

I dont know what to do…..
it’s August 1st That was months ago and my Gpa is the same. Ive tried calling to no avail. I dont know what I’m going to do in the fall Ive come up with almost every other possible senario…

1. I could pay for one class out of pocket to try and boost my gpa
2. I could try to get a full time job
3. I could take out a loan (which im against )
4. or I could join City Year

all possible ways to reach a solution but I’m scared, for as long as i can remember school has been The plan nothing else was more important…… I’m afraid to repeat the past Sha didn’t finish and my mom also cought a snag in her college career …..I’m afraid that all the people who were rooting for me are going to be disappointed and most of all Im afraid that If i can’t go to school in the fall that the trials of life will make it harder for me to go back ……
I’ve purged my soul ……
expressed the unexpressable…..
I don’t know what to do……..

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