First Person

I had a C-section. I had to have that cause they said I wasn’t dilating and he was ready to come out. I was scared cause I thought there was something wrong, but before they told me I had to have the emergency C-section, I took an epidural, and they told me that with the medicine I wouldn’t feel none of it. During the delivery, they told me I could only have one person available. I chose my mom to be there cause I was scared and because of the pain I was going through. I kinda didn’t really want Kile there, because it seemed like it was his fault I was going through this…He was so happy and smiling because its his kid too, but it seemed like he was almost laughing at me.

I was on a lot of drugs and I couldn’t feel the pain of him actually being pulled out. Only my mom got to see him when he came out, and she cut the umbilical cord. When the doctor showed him to me, I was happy, but I was so out of it I couldn’t really think straight or see him all the way and I had to get stitched back up right away.

After that, I moved to another room. I stayed in the hospital for 3 days. While I was having my baby, I had a fever, so I needed antibiotics too. My baby was on antibiotics on too so he didn’t catch the fever I had.

So far everything has been alright, but he stayed an extra night cause of his fever after I went home, which made me sad, cause I really missed him. But I went up there bright and early the next day to see him.

So far, everything has been good. Everybody excited about having a baby in the house, excited to come home and touch him and hold him and look at him. For the most part, he’s good—he don’t cry a lot, only when something is wrong with him. But he likes to get up at all types of crazy hours in the morning time, and he’ll cry to get you up, but as soon as I’m with him he just smiles and looks at me. I guess he just wanna be up.

Ive had to spend my last few dollars on his milk, and hes always spitting up, so that’s a pile of laundry Im going to have to do. I still really just don’t believe it. I be looking at him like, “This really came from me.” Its hard to believe. But I’m a proud parent, and his dad hasn’t left his side since hes been born.

I don’t like to admit it, but I’m pretty much a hater by nature. I can always find a reason why something–anything–isnt good enough, doesnt go far enough, or doesn’t sit right with me and my, shall we say, particular sensibilities.

This is especially true for documentaries dealing in one way or another with “inner city life.” As soon as I see that establishing shot of the housing projects with the people screaming and the sirens blaring and the lost souls & stray cats wandering aimlessly around, I’ve already pretty much written off the next two hours of my life. Of course, I’ll sit through them, if for nothing else than to fuel my self-righteousness. As a certified hater, nothing provides me with motivation quite like having a nemesis, real or imagined, out there.

But sometimes, very occasionally, I’ll watch something that just feels right. That grabs my heart. That resonates with my understanding of how people actually operate in the world. That forces me to walk in the shoes of someone whose life is seemingly unlike my own–and then knocks me over the head with realizations about myself. That I genuinely enjoy.

Four years ago, when I was trying to determine if First Person was going to be a feasible project to undertake and trying to figure just what the hell I wanted to do, I saw Love and Diane and had the chance to participate in a seminar led by director Jennifer Dworkin. Its an unbelievable movie, very powerful in how it lets a set of very difficult external circumstances unfold entirely through the perspectives of the film’s subjects, and then builds on that by letting Diane and Love reveal their extremely rich internal lives through voiceover narration and incredible verite scenes. When I saw it then, I knew that in many ways, that was what I wanted to do, that was the kind of movie I wanted to try to make.

At the time, I was also very much inspired by Dworkin, who was a firsttime filmmaker who had clearly made the film not for the money (certainly), and not to win awards, and not to build her reputation as a filmmaker, but because her heart wouldnt let her do anything else. Just the fact of her doing what she did, how she did it, was motivation that I very much needed.

I watched Love and Diane again last night. I was a bit nervous that I wasnt going to like it as much after the four years I’ve gone through trying to pull First Person together, that it wouldnt still resonate with my sensibility. Turned out there was no need to worry. I was totally sucked in almost immediately. There’s just so much that feels immediately relevant to First Person–the scale of the film, the way people and places are established, the use of voiceover, the blending of disparate types of footage. I think that First Person will ultimately employ a very different visual style and pacing and will trace some very different emotional arcs, but anyone wanting to get a sense for how First Person is striving to communicate the lives and internal worlds of our six kids should check this movie out.

Just recently, I came across a message from Dworkin on a listserv and took the shot of emailing her. She’s been very kind and indulgent in responding thoughtfully to my many questions–everything from preparing scene selects for ITVS submission to knowing when to draw the line with how much of the director’s own intervention is appropriate for inclusion in the film. Its really difficult to express how valuable this type of information and advice is when you are getting it from someone whose sensibility you trust. Knowing someone is out there who has created a standard I want to live up to is a much stronger motivator than the self-righteousness that usually pushes me along. And it comes at good time.

The semester is winding down now. I’m ready for a break from classes and work. Finals are next week and my job breaks until spring. I started the semester off well, and at this stage I’m almost at a point of complete procrastination. A lot of changes have been happening within my circle of friends and family. Some people have been added and some have left. All of this has affected me in some ways. I’m still focused and determined although; I could really just use a nice vacation in the Pocono’s.

I’m excited that the semester moved by so quickly and I’m actually looking forward to my courses next semester. This semester I had English 101, Medical terminology, PC Applications and Psychology 101. Out of those four classes I’ve enjoyed Medical terminology most of all. The subject matter was interesting and the course was challenging. I am not really the studying type but I defiantly put aside a lot of time during my train rides to school into preparing for the tests in that class. Don’t get me wrong the other classes were okay too but that class actually made me feel like I was getting closer to my intended career path. Next semester I’m taking Anatomy and Physiology, Psychology 201, Sociology 101, and English 102.

I think that I’ve decided that I’m staying at Community for my associates. I say “think” because Temple is and always will be my first love, however; I understand that at this juncture, Temple University might not be in my budget. They say “distance makes the heart grow fonder”. I still have every intention of receiving my masters from Temple. If I have to wait 2 years to set foot in a classroom on their camps so be it. Not to mention I think I like the idea of receiving a refund check. I think I’m going to use the one I just received as payment towards my summer semester. The nursing program at community actually takes three years I figure if I can go to class year round I can shorten that time to two years. I’ll let you know how that goes……..

ironically I’m actually in the computer lab at CCP now typing one of my final papers wish me luck :-)

Kurtis is currently incarcerated. His blog posts come from his correspondence.

It feels good knowin’ my story (the whole story) may be a part of a movie because a lot of time when people fall on bad times their dreams and plans are forgotten or replaced with tryin’ to improvise with their current situation. I don’t want either to happen to me. Knowin’ that my story is gonna be told gives me more initiative to continue fighting for a better ending…

In our daily lives, we make a lot of decisions based on what people expect us to do or think of us, when in all actuality, it don’t matter. When I sit back and start runnin’ through names and relations, I think ‘damn, where he at’ or ‘what she doin?’ when it affects me very little or none at all to really know. People who you plan to know even five years from now disappear and leave you all by yourself. People who you thought had love for you brush you off as nothing but a memory. So I’ve decided to do the same. I came in this world all by myself, I’m livin’ this life all by myself, and I’ll take my last breath all by myself.

Ok, so yesterday i took the placement test to get in to the Community College of Philadelphia. Let me start by tellling you how the day before the test. i was stressed i was thinking that it was gonna be like the SAT. I even studied a little bit. so the day of the test i am late, becuase i wounldnt be true to my nature if i wsnt lat. i kno what your thinking, ” how could you be late to your future” but nah anh, my name is steven parr iii and i am late to pretty much everything. so yea i like was saying, i went to take the test at the assesment center. which i thought was a building. but more on that later in life. so i get in the building where we are suppose to be taking the test at and I AM LOST, i am one floor over where i am supposed to be, so thanks to this security lady. i made it only like 10 minutes late. i finnally get in teir and take the test and i think i did well. os you probally wont hear from me until the 19th when i let yall know whats happening