A filmmaker?
Tuesday, November 21st, 2006With production complete, postproduction well underway, and the hustle of trying to position First Person for market revving up, I figure its time for me to begin a blog of my own. If I’m going to have to sell my soul in order to get this movie finished and seen, I want there to at least be a record of the transaction.
To this point, Ive been able to more or less make First Person an extension of myself, of who I am as a person and what I believe is right and how I think things should be done. In part, that has meant actively resisting identifying myself as a filmmaker. Much of the time, this is no trouble at all. As my crew can surely attest, I know very little about filmmaking. But not thinking of myself as a filmmaker goes well beyond wanting to avoid the scorn of those who actually know something about making movies. It goes to the heart of what I have always wanted First Person to be: a direct path from the hearts and minds of our ‘subjects’ to the eyes and ears of our audience.
Of course, the first and most important step in trying to create this path has always been never–NEVER–thinking of the students and families I’ve worked with as my ‘subjects.’ Which kind of gets at the whole problem Ive had with working hard to NOT turn into a ‘filmmaker’ even as Ive been killing myself to make this film. Kurtis, Shalisa, Fresh, Steve, Macho and Malikka are all like little brothers and sisters to me. Their families are all like family to me. Just like family, we are in this together. And just like family, we have an obligation to each other, come hell or high water. I have always embraced this, despite the prevailing sentiment among the filmmaking crowd that such an approach threatens my objectivity, my capacity to tell a powerful story, the established forms of the genre, and who knows what else.
During production, I never really had to worry about this too much. It was always immediately evident that when it came to figuring out what from their lives will make its way on camera, my first responsibility was to the kids and their families. Over the course of three years, making production decisions that have placed th interests of the kids and their families first has become commonplace, if not always easy.
But now, with production done and 150+ hours of amazing footage to sort through and with the cutthroat world of independent film distribution and broadcast looming, its a whole new set of decisions to be made. I find myself flirting with the ‘filmmaker’ role a little more here and a little more there in order to pursue that funding, get that distributor aware of the project, and to cover up my own insecurities about all the the things I dont know about getting a movie in front of an audience. Hell, I even started wearing a blazer with jeans on occassion. Im a beat-up baseball cap and a pair of horn-rimmed glasses away from being a cliche already.
The thing is, the goal has always been to get First Person seen by a wide audience, where it can have a broad impact. And I’m willing to become something of a ‘filmmaker’ if thats whats necessary to realize the bigger goal. But at the end of the day, I’m still accountable first to my kids and their families. I know myself, and I know that even if First Person never goes anywhere, I’ll be able to sleep at night if I can take the finished product into Shalisa’s or Kurt’s or Steve’s home, show it to them and their families, and feel good and right about how it turned out. I might not be happy if it doesnt reach a larger audience, but I wont lose sleep over it. If, on the other hand, First Person blew up and did all the things that I believe it can, but it had turned into something I was ashamed to show the kids or their families, I would never be able to live with myself.
I remind myself all the time who I’m ultimately accountable to. I believe that this approach is going to result in the best possible movie that I can make, even if it means never gaining any credibility among the filmmaker set. I also believe that my commitment to staying true to this approach is going to be tested repeatedly during postproduction and during my efforts to get the movie out there. Ive been delaying blogging on my own until I felt like I had something worthwhile to say. Using this space to keep a check on myself over the next 8 months is about the most useful thing Ive come up with. If you’re reading this, and you see me out there in 2007 wearing jeans, a blazer, and a beat-up baseball cap and talking about how First Person has positioned me for my next project, please punch me in the face. Hard. Or at least post a comment on my Director’s blog, reminding me of my good intentions back in oh-six.
